


Tough Nights and How You Help Me Get Through Them

by SardonicMallow



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Inspired by Real Events, Jeongin is self destructive, M/M, Mentioned Kim Woojin, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Triggers, Verbal Abuse, can be read as romantic or platonic, chan wants to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 17:39:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17585342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SardonicMallow/pseuds/SardonicMallow
Summary: After another rough night at home, Jeongin finds solace in Chan's arms





	Tough Nights and How You Help Me Get Through Them

**Author's Note:**

> Started off based on my experience and bloomed into something I wish happened.

"No, It did happen because I get to hear it replaying in my head every damn day of my life! You're denying it because you can't handle how much you fucked your kid up! You can't just deny saying what you said to me, then change your mind to decide it wasn't as bad as I thought! You can't decide if it doesn't hurt me!"

Jeongin screamed from the bottom of the stairs before turning to walk into his bedroom.

His father shouted once more, but Jeongin couldn't hear it. 

His erratic heartbeat was filling his ears. He barely made it inside his room before his knees gave out.

If anyone had seen the young teen, it would have been pitiful. The way he reached out for the lock on his door like he would for a lifejacket when drowning.

Weeks of added up anguish poured itself out of the eyes of yet another victim.

Jeongin had never learned to cope with his emotions. When he was upset, he ignored it. Trying his hardest to push whatever impulse would float into his head.

Whenever he got overloaded with happiness, he would end up hurting himself in one way or another. Banging his head on the wall purely because he too happy to sit still or because he felt like he could withstand it.

The crash that came afterwards was the worst. The happiness would disappear in a haze and be consumed with an overwhelming numbness.

Jeongin choked on a sob, desperately trying to cover his mouth.

Even in his panicked state, he couldn't let anyone know he was weak.

He knew one way to clear his mind, but he couldn't go back.

It had been months of pure hell, but he was clean and didn't want the guilt that came with cutting.

It took only another five minutes of hanging on to the matted mess that was his control before disregarding his previous thoughts of progress and reaching out for his dresser.

There, in the bottom drawer, a small black case made for headphones lie in wait. It hadn't ever held headphones.

With shaking hands and a trembling conscience, Jeongin unzipped it. All his progress was dangling over cliff.

Four razors and the broken piece of a pocket knife opened to face the fluorescent light inside the boy's small basement bedroom. 

They were slightly rusted. Jeongin thought back to when they were new. When he had first found them in his father's garage and smuggled them inside through the back of a bracelet. It was too easy.

He was fourteen at the time and thought it would help, thought it would help him get through the day.

Now at seventeen, it was only months ago that Jeongin found the razors made his day even harder.

He couldn't participate in labs at school because then he would have to pull his sleeves up. He couldn't wear shorts in summer because he was too paranoid that people could see his scarred thighs. He had to start bringing his clothes into the bathroom with him when he showered. Yes, his parents never asked about the long-sleeves or why he scratched his arms so much, but they didn't have any reason to think of it. Jeongin was good at hiding. The worst was dealing with the guilt once his friend found out. 

Oh god. What would Chan think now?

Jeongin could picture it. The same disappointing smile his mother gave him when he couldn't get out of bed plastered on his best friend's face. It's not like Chan knew he was doing it at the time, but Jeongin couldn't stand the resemblance. It would be better to stop before it was too late, but Jeongin couldn't stop.

Slash after slash, mark after mark, painting over years of pain in their form of pink and white lines.

He went at a slow pace. Making sure every drag of the blade was felt.  
It worked to calm him down until he saw the blood.

It dripped to the hardwood floor at a steady pace, making Jeongin worry about the clean up.

The knock at the door made the worry amplify severly and his heart pound to a pulp.

"Let me in." His mother's lips were pressed to the door and the alcohol on her breath was enough to make Jeongin queasy.

"No." His voice came out shakey.

"Come ooonnn! Please! Pretty please with sugar on top?" Whenever she was drunk, she turned into a four year old. Annoying, needy, and disobedient. She was happier, but at the cost of those around her.

"I want to be alone! Please stop!" Jeongin shouted when the doorknob started to rattle furiously.

A small mumble was heard from the otherside of the door.

Jeongin caught a small, "Rude".

She was always calling him rude.

No matter how much he strived to help, to be kind and put others first, she called him rude.

It had gotten to the point where Chan was trying to get Jeongin to stop being a "doormat".

Make him more confident in himself or something of the sort.

Jeongin thought doormat was too good of a term. At least people need doormats. He told himself no one needed him.

Jeongin slipped the blade back into the case and hid in back in his dresser.

He took a paper towel and stanched his arms before taking another and swiping the floor. It took a few more until Jeongin's arm had stopped bleeding. He buried the towels in the garbage can next to his desk.

Now Jeongin was exhausted, limbs feeling sore and eyes stinging almost as bad as his arms. He pushed against the low energy and decided to wrap his arms in bandages.

Before reaching the first aid kit, Jeongin's phone started to ring and he reluctantly trudged to the charger near his bed.

He answered the call, already knowing it was Chan. He had no other friends and his sibling stayed out of his general vicinity. It was hard going to school and being alone all day and then going home and being nagged. He couldn't wait for college: Chan said it was great and even offered the younger a spot as his second roomate.

"Heyo! My class for three got canceled for tomorrow, so would you want to hang out?"

"Yeah," Jeongin's voice was scratchy and a little raw, "That sounds good. Where?"

Chan's voice went softer, "What's wrong, Innie? Who made you cry?"

Jeongin sniffled, "N-No one- I mean nothing's wrong."

"Nuh-uh you can't lie to me. You're emitting Big Sad Energy™ and I wanna know why. "

A small giggle left Jeongin's throat and he heard Chan cheering.

"Ha! I got you to laugh! The king of mediocre jokes takes another win."

Jeongin softly smiles at that, "Can I come to your apartment?"

"Yeah, I can pick you up during your lunch and we can make grilled cheeses with my roommate!"

"Uh, I mean.. Can I come to your apartment right now?"

"Oh. Oh! Yeah! Sure, but what about school tomorrow? Didn't you say you were behind already?"

"I can call myself in pretending to be my dad in the morning and the semester is almost over, I'll be fine." 

He wouldn't be fine. Jeongin knew that he had way too much to make up in such a short amount of time. He was waiting for the orange note that told him he needed to go to summer school.

"What about when they wake you up and you aren't there?"

"I'll leave a note saying I went to your house for breakfast. They won't actually care. I don't believe they'll even check my room. Now I'm really tired and I want to see you!" Jeongin complained.

"Okay, how are you gonna get here?" Chan questioned the second before Jeongin changed into a long sleeved shirt and picked up a chair.

"One sec..."

"Jeongin, what are you doing?"

Jeongin's window opened. It was extremely small, curse of being banished to the basement, but Jeongin was extremely skinny and could fit. It wasn't healthy, but Jeongin couldn't bring himself to eat more.

He quickly made it halfway through the window and onto the mud outdoors before turning and using his tip-toe to push the chair away.

Rolling fully outside, he plucked his phone from the windowsill and shut it with a small click.

"Jeongin! Can you hear me?"

"Sorry, Chan. I'll be over in like fifteen minutes." Jeongin said as he rubbed the dirt off his jeans and inspected the cuts on his arm.

They were bleeding again, but only slightly. He could get away with it, he was wearing all black and it didn't look like it would seep through.

"Are you walking?"

"Well.. Yeah?"

"It's ten at night! You'll get kidnapped!" Jeongin heard a sigh, "Go to the end of your block, I'll be there in ten minutes."

"Thank you, Channie!" 

"Mmhm, you're lucky I love you, kid."

Jeongin laughed, "Love you too, Grandpa!"

"Hey!"

Chan stayed on speaker until he arrived. 

"Hop in."

Jeongin complied, now less talkative than he was on the phone. He would have to make sure Chan didn't find out that he harmed himself. 

Luckily Chan started talking about a fish his roommate got. 

Jeongin's red eyes found themselves fluttering shut, bringing him to the brink of sleep.

"We're here."

Jeongin didn't move when Chan got out of the car.

His door suddenly swung open and his seatbelt clicked off, "Aish, just get on my back already."

Jeongin smiled, but quickly stopped himself. It would hurt to wrap his arms around Chan.

"I can walk. Just wanted to waste your time!" Jeongin laughed it off, hopping out of the truck without any help.

Chan gave an unsure look, but Jeongin didn't see it.

"Lead the way." Chan said and continued to observe Jeongin.

He was obviously tired from the way he swayed. He was also covered in dry mud; Chan knew he snuck out of his basement window.

They reached the door, "I'm pretty sure Woojin went out, so we'll be alone until my class at nine tomorrow."

Chan unlocked the door and Jeongin went straight to the older boy's room. 

"You need to change if you're gonna sleep in my bed." Chan went to his closet and pulled out the softest hoodie he could find along with a pair of shorts.

Jeongin, pushing his anxiety down, accepted the shorts. 

Jeongin started walking towards the bathroom. 

That was odd. 

Jeongin usually just had Chan turn around when he had to get dressed.

Chan knew the boy's night was rough, so he let his worries slide.

He planned to talk to him about in when they were settled in bed.

"Channie? Do you have mouthwash?"

Chan walked over to the bathroom and reached under the sink. Before leaving he noticed how his hoodie consumed Jeongin. He saw how skinny the younger was. He noticed the jeans and long sleeved shirt Jeongin was wearing were bundled on the floor.

When he went to pick them up, he was immediately stopped. 

"I'll get it, thanks for the pajamas."

Chan really wanted to trust Jeongin here. He really wanted to believe he was just being his kind self and not in any actual trouble. 

"Come lie down when you're finished?"

Jeongin nodded, still holding his clothes. 

Chan went to his bedpost and turned on the fairy lights that surrounded it. He'd added it since the last time Jeongin was here due to the complaint that his "room was boring".

"Wow..." A small gasp was heard and Chan turned to face Jeongin.

The younger boy's eyes, while still underlined in red, were glowing in the fairy lights.

"You like it?" 

"It's beautiful.." Jeongin was still taking in the sight with a small smile creeping its way onto his face, "Did you do this for me?"

"Well.. you said my room was boring a-and you're always over here.." Chan was starting to get flustered from looking into Jeongin's eyes. 

"Well, I'm getting you a cup of water because you're clearly dehydrated and then we can talk."

Jeongin groaned.

"At the very least just give a a general idea of what went on?" Chan raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, okay now go!" Jeongin pouted.

Chan left the room, clearly still caught up in his win. 

Jeongin turned back to face the lights. He didn't sit on the bed just yet: still just observing the beauty of the off-white tears clinging to the metal headboard. 

It made him sad.

He didn't understand why, but it brought a sinking feeling.

Maybe just a part of him wishes they were stars.

The same stars that give Jeongin a sense of security. A sense that there is a ginormous amount that hasn't been discovered and maybe he could find a place in it out there, whether it be this life or next.

Before Jeongin had the stars, he'd believed the world was a giant trap. Everything had been discovered and claimed. There was nowhere to go that wasn't a place with laws or policies, a place without people or a place without cameras. Everything he knew was what he would always know. The world leaders essentially owned the human race. There was no free will.

He was glad he found hope in the stars. Maybe another galaxy could claim him as wanted. He desperately wanted to be wanted.

Before he knew it, he was crying again.

"-ginnie, Jeonginnie! You okay?" Chan was behind him with the glass.

Jeongin couldn't hold it in anymore.

He collapsed to the ground with a quiet sob. 

"Oh, baby.." The water glass was placed on the nightstand before Chan gently directed Jeongin to sit on the bed, "Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I just-" Jeongin shoved his face into Chan's chest, "Before I came here I got into another fight with my parents."

Chan instantly understood what the conversation might consist of, but urged the boy to continue with a squeeze.

"My mom came home drunk again. She drove herself home drunk off her ass, not caring in the slightest she could've killed someone! Then she proceeded to follow me around the house, just poking me and trying to pull my hair. After I yelled at her to stop, she started staring at me with her stupid smile. The smile she only gets when drunk. It's like she can only find happiness when she hurts people! I've never seen her truly happy while sober. It was fifteen minutes of plain staring before I started panicking. I kept telling her she needed to go sit down or go to bed, anything to get her to leave the room, but she would retort with a 'No you should leave'. I started crying and I yelled at her to leave, but then my dad cut in."

Jeongin got silent. He took a breath in to calm himself before continuing,

"He defended the woman he's divorcing. He told me 'that's the only mother I'll have' and to 'be nice'. They hate each other's guts. They constantly nag on each other and talk shit when the other is gone, but when I say something that isn't even an insult, I'm lectured? He isn't even in the room. He's lying on his bed, listening to my drunk mother pester me. He always just lets it happen."

"Then what happened?" Chan spoke softly, unknowingly calming Jeongin down.

"I told him to go fuck himself." 

Chan's eyes widened, extremely worried for what the younger's words would hold next.

"He kept repeating, 'what did you say' louder and louder as he got up. He got in my face and if my mom wasn't in the room, I'm pretty sure he would've hit me. He had his arm tensed like he would."

Jeongin started to laugh, alarming Chan, "Then he called me a disappointment. He always calls me that. He calls me 'the biggest disappointment' he'd 'ever laid eyes on' and then he denies saying it. He tells me I'm making things up and that it never happened. Tries to make me seem like the bad guy. He's such a coward!"

"What happened after that?"

"Had a panic attack... and mom tried to talk to me after, but her brain wasn't her." Jeongin got quieter as the sentence continued.

"Did you do your exercises?"

Jeongin didn't answer.

"What else did you do, baby?"

Jeongin cried harder at that, "It just hurts so much! I'm sorry Channie, I wasn't thinking!"

"Can I please see your arm?"

Jeongin stopped fighting and let Chan maneuver him into a new position. 

Jeongin slipped off the hoodie, pretending that the gasp Chan let out didn't hurt him more than the stinging in his arms.

"Oh my god." It was quieter than a whisper, but Jeongin heard it.

"We have to clean these, Innie."

Jeongin didn't protest when Chan pulled him by the waist into the bathroom.

He didn't protest when Chan doctored his wounds and pulled him into a hug.

The disappointing smile from the past was replaced with a new, sorrowful one.

It held more weight on Jeongin's heart.

Chan led him back to the bed.

They both lied down.

The numb feeling returned to Jeongin, the warmth of Chan on his back the only thing penetrating the lack of emotion.

Chan was disappointed. Not in Jeongin, never in Jeongin. He was disappointed in himself for not doing a better job of protecting Jeongin. Whether it be from the people around him or himself. The first time he found out Jeongin cut himself was no different. The wave of disappointment was too strong to hide. What was he good for if he couldn't protect the ones he loved?

Chan grasped a little tighter onto Jeongin. He didn't want to let him go. He couldn't help but imagine the possibilities of tonight's events.

What if Jeongin's dad decided to hit him?

What if Jeongin's mother had died in a drunk driving accident and left the boy with his father?

What if Jeongin cut a major vein and died, cold and alone in the basement of his broken home?

"I'm sorry you're hurting so badly," Chan whispered, "I promise I'm going to get you help."

Jeongin, as much as he wanted to, couldn't respond to Chan. 

The numbness overtook his throat.

"I promise you, Jeongin, I'm going to find a way to help you get through this."

Jeongin fought himself for words, "I love you, Channie."

It came out a whisper, but it still meant everything to the elder.

"I love you too, Innie."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it somewhat.


End file.
